Do you agree with the "Rishta process" that we have in our society?

Very interesting question, Zainab. My initial questions to you or anyone would be:
1) How do you define the so-called typical rishta process?
2) Who asks for rishtas from whom and for whom?
3) Who introduces the families to each other? / How did they 'get to know' each other - the source, person?
4) Who accepts/rejects rishtas and on what basis?

If families were introduced by family members, relatives or friends, I feel things could be quite different than if the source of introduction is a match-maker service, an ad in newspaper, matrimonial websites or any other third unknown party (eg. unexpected encounter of two strangers in a café, hotel, airport, shopping mall etc.). If you know someone somehow, you feel somewhat obliged to act in a particular way and cannot easily allow yourself certain acts, which might be common if one is introduced to each other by a match-maker institution. People also often take it for granted that if they know the families are known to be nice that they actually are so and that their children too are 'naik and shareef'.

As for the traditional procedure the girls and guys need to go through:
- They come to see each other or should I say they come to first see where and how the family lives and then how the family members look like, how well educated they are (and even their relatives), where they work, how much they earn, what kind of contacts they have (to trace some mutual friends) and what do they expect from each other (mostly in terms of dowry, place of living, oh and even nationality, etc.).
- For girls: They are supposed to act like dolls (easily controlled by others) and outwardly look like no less than a princess. They need to be well educated as this will show if they have potential to earn money with their degree. Nowadays many families expect the girls to actually earn something and bring lots of dowry with her (many don't utter it directly, but often in ways that you somehow still get their message). Girls should also be able to run a house. A beautiful combo of doll-princess-superwoman-like daughter-in-law.
- For boys: They are supposed to look decent, have a good education as well and earn a lot. So that they can fulfill their needs and bear all kind of 'nachray' from their potential wife (though: the well-known 'bossy nature' of men, their short temperament and the possibility of them turning out 'kanjoos and greedy' are somewhat left ignored).

I am not going to mention how critically girls are observed. However, I do feel that guys are looked at critically as well. See, I think it always depends on what exactly you are looking for. You have this one meeting and you need to more or less figure out in those few minutes if someone is good enough for you or not. Thus, you end up 'staring'. Is this good or is this bad? What other option is there? Pictures can be deceiving as much as looks can in real. What you get to know about those complete new families in those few minutes could be so different than what kind of people they actually are (since here too it is all about how honest you are). Girls are taught to serve drinks to their guests from a very young age. In order to feel less awkward, they could simply see those families as their guests and treat them like their guests. This way, they know that they are only doing their duty - which is given so much emphasis in Islam. I do not necessarily think that guys enjoy been taken to one house after another, also been observed by the family and obliged to behave in a particular manner as well. They might feel as uncomfortable as girls do. Thus, I do not wish to evaluate who 'suffers' more: girls or guys? In the end, it is also all about how you perceive these processes, how much you value them and how sensitive you are.

Sadly, the things Islam puts emphasis on are somewhat becoming less and less important. All these things: money, wealth, looks are temporary. Someone once said to picture a situation where you choose your partner based on these three things and that a certain event takes all of these things away from you. What will you do? Most of us want companions with whom we could share our feelings and thoughts, who somewhat value the same things and who help us become a better person. Hardly anyone asks the potential partners if they pray five times a day (though, I assume praying five times a day does not actually mean that you are a good human being or even a good Muslim), etc. But one thing is for sure, if someone rejects you it does not mean that you are not good enough, it only means that they are looking for a different profile. This is something which is also common when it comes to university and job applications/selections.

Geesh, this reply ended up being too long and I don't have the time to proof-read it and see if I answered your questions properly, Zainab. And one last thing, I do not wish to defend either side or generalize things (even though, I am aware of the fact that my reply may sound one sided at times).

I really hate current somewhat typical rishta process here in our society. I feel really sad about the girls who have to go through this, I mean seriously, why the hell those aunties don't realize that what will be the after effects of rejection on that girl, what if same thing happens to their daughter too.

My advice to those aunties who are really desperate to find a suitable match for their not-so-awesome sons, kindly don't ever think to go to girls place to evaluate her. Always use reliable mutual references, that would help alot. and I repeat 'reliable' mutual references.

I seriously HATE this rishta process, especially the way one has to go infront of boy's family and serve tea and all. I can never do that and thankfully my family is open minded enough to not allow such things. It is more sensible to first find about the families of each other either if they match or not. After that meet the girl/boy outside home, somewhere less formal and then let guy and girl talk with one other. Afterall they have to live together forever so final decision must be in their hands.
Rest is in the hands of Allah :)

the process is very tough for girls as they are presented like a show piece .. and i hate it ... First the parents should meet and discuss and if they think they an go forward then the boy and girl should be shown ... otherwise picture is ok for the initial process ... !
and it is damn better to show a girl or a boy in the parties or wedding so both are families are comfortable ... !

Lets assume The Rishta Process aka Arrange Marriage is not at all a good social norm (even if implemented ideally), what alternatives do we have ?? And lets not criticize the alternative on religious grounds just for the discussion and analysis sake.

You have Love marriages, whose Actual/Western definition is that a guy asks a girl out, they go on multiple dates, evaluate each other and develop some bonding and after they think they are good for each other, they either go for the marriage or split up in other case.

People say the later is very bad and is considered a 'Cherkhani' to a girl if a guy asks her out ... On the other hand people says Arrange Marriage is 'Ziyaadti' 'oppression' to a girl ..... Point is SELECT ONE ....

The way "In-Between" or "amalgam" is the worse scenario and is kind of hilarious ... Just imagine you have to find your soul-mate on your own BUT you cannot ask anyone out LOL ....

Make up your Mind !!!

My personal opinion is that the "Rishta Process" should be refined and implemented in a JUST way where nobody feels oppressed ...

The whole concept is Dependent on showing off and as a Muslims we dont believe in show off plus women are equally human so all human rights apply on them as well and thus no body is allowed to judge her or her get up without her will if she is in for it willingly than i dont think any doubt or question arises...

I'd just want to be very precise and short about this :
1) The rishta process in the present day affects both boys and girls in more or less the same way, wont go into details, ask me if you want me to elaborate.
2) Girls being more and more career oriented everyday and boys being more and more glamor oriented everyday are creating problems for this process to become successful.
3) Parents taking the whole decision in their own hands esp parents of a girl and not letting her interact or understand what the other person is like, also hinders the process.
4) Media is playing an actual negative role both by making both genders wanting for more and by propagating the idea that its only fair and easy to fall in and out of relationship whenever you feel like, hence the increasing rate of divorces and failed engagements.
5) If the decision is left to the girl and the boy after being satisfied that the family statures match, things would get a lot easier.
6) Young and Educated people like us need to step in, to help our friends in the society getting married using our social circles. That would avoid everyone a lot of embarrassment and awkwardness. I always try to help my close friends and family with it. people just need to open up with each other in this matter, most of the people rely on Marriage bureaus these days instead of talking to their friends and colleagues openly which is completely wrong.

The problem with our traditional Rishta process is the lack of interaction between the people actually getting married. Therefore, women have to suffer by the hands of prospective groom's families and vice versa for the men. And even if after centuries of struggles by both sides a wedding does take place it can never be called a marriage or a successful one thereof. After the initial phone talk and not the stupid chaaye-Wali Rishta meeting between the families, the woman and the man should be allowed to talk once on phone at least so they can see for themselves if the other party is a suitable partner or not. Otherwise this circus that is going on in the name of Rishta these days isn't bad entertainment :)

We are used to of this process so i think we r ok with it. :)

The 'Rishta process' sucks and its not even islamic...

Simply hate it...!!

The old rishta process in our society is defined by Allah and we must respect the way of our elders. They know better. After all, love marriages fail more than arranged ones.

the rishta process is a most disgusting n cheapest thing in our society, i hate the concept of "chand si bahu" n paisa ala daamad that every1 wants. we should get over it now

according to my view one must have the full freedom to choose his/her life partner ...rishta process is so out dated now a days...and it not so effective to....so understanding and mutual excepentances must be there..